Sunday, April 26, 2015

Keeping up the fight

I woke up a few mornings ago feeling like I'd been hit by a small truck. The kind that drive over you repeatedly. Not that these trucks really exist...but if they did, then one ran me over!
 It was really only another sleepless night. One more to add to the invisible tally. I guess sleep was my trade for having children.  It's all good though,  I happily make the trade each night. I go to bed and  imagine how nice it would be to sleep until the morning. I'd even appreciate 4 a row.
 That would be lovely!
Anyway, this isn't meant to be a post about my lack of sleep. It's meant to be a post about......resilience.  So this particular morning (the same one the truck hit me) I staggered out of bed and wandered into the kitchen. I sleepily greeted the kids I could see (my vision still obscured by my eyelids) and I noticed Lani wasn't present and accounted for. I was eager to see how she was doing because she'd had a rough night too. Her blood sugar levels were way too high when she went to bed so we had to monitor her through the night. She was poked and pricked every couple of hours and had a complete set change (new insulin and needle). Not to mention her little brother has decided to take over her bed too! 

Despite the extra testing, she developed keytones. I stood in the kitchen that morning wondering three things-all simultaneously.  
1. Had I had enough sleep to function throughout the day and look after 6 children??
2. Had Lani's situation deteriorated enough that I needed to consider a trip to Emergency?  Was I lucid enough to drive her there?
3. Should I entertain Job's suggestion that he take the day off work?
As I contemplated the answers to my questions, I glanced into Lani's room. She was standing in the middle of her room, in her pjs. She faced away from me and was standing still, staring out her bedroom window in a daze.
I forgot myself as my thoughts turned completely to her. I wondered how tired she was. I knew due to her high keytone readings that she wouldn't be feeling well, at all. I marvelled that she was standing there so still, it's not like her to be so quiet. I walked towards her intent to find out if she was ok but before I got to her room, she knelt to pray. I stopped and watched her. She knelt at her bed for a while, pondering and considering what to pray about. I wondered again what could be going through her mind. I have never heard her pray about her diabetes before. Does she ever feel tired and fed up? Does she ever pray for strength to endure the hard days....or nights?? I realised while I watched her that I was crying.
I really must have been tired! 😉

I thought about all the times people have caught her pricking her finger and checking her blood sugar. "She's amazing!" they say. I always smile and agree, more so to be polite. It's not that I disagree with them but its because blood glucose monitoring is such a part of everyday life now that we never think anything of it anymore.  Lani goes up and down so often, swinging from hypo to hyper daily and sometimes hourly. She's had a bad month. The thing is, she never complains. We don't feel sorry for her and she doesn't feel sorry for herself.  In that moment when my emotions got the better of me, it was because I knew everyone was right. She really was amazing. She was and is amazing to me because she carries her small burden with dignity. I don't know how it feels to be low and feel weak and dizzy....or high and have headaches and mood swings. When the rest of the kids run to the table hungrily for their dinner,  she has to look for her kit and test. When the others jump out of the car to play as soon as we get to the park, she has to go to the boot and make sure she has her diabetes bag. When we go to the pool, she has to play around with testing and removing her pump.  When someone gives her food - especially sugar, she needs to check with me before she eats it. She occasionally misses out on sporting events because her sugars are low. Right now as I am writing this, all the kids are asleep except for Lani. She is sitting at the table treating her third hypo for today with 3 snake lollies and a drink of milk.

These small inconveniences are a part of her life. They don't worry her too much and she is fully aware that she is abundantly blessed. She knows that others suffer far greater afflictions than what she has been dealt with.
 I fell in love with my mature little 9 year old daughter all over again. I received a boost of mental and physical energy. I told Job we would be fine and sent him off to work. Although she was unwell, Lani finally finished her long prayer and came into the kitchen happily looking for breakfast. Her keytone levels returned to normal at lunchtime so we avoided a trip to hospital. Job was able to go to school camp for three days. The kids and I survived without him and I even snuck in a couple of naps.

 I later reflected that so many of us are still keeping up the good fight. We all carry our own burdens. We get up, we suite up, we show up. We work, we serve, we love. We don't complain.  We get on with it. There is great nobility in pressing on. If you are someone who gets out of bed when your whole body is screaming not to, then you are amazing too. If you are hanging in there, you are amazing. We don't often consider ourselves inspirational to anyone else but I'll bet we all have qualities that others find amazing. We need eachother. We need to see others struggle...and get back up, and push on. It gives us strength to push on too. Next time you are busy in this wonderful experience we call life and someone says "You're Amazing." Don't politely smile,  or openly disagree. 
Thank them and know that they are right 😊 

1 comment:

melandpeter said...

A very special daughter indeed. With a wonderful mumma. x